A Gremlin's Glossary

Fiendish terms for the times, from Armaments to Zoom

Armaments

Devices manufactured by the unspeakable and marketed to the questionable to target the expendable.

Artificial Intelligence

Machine-based learning networks that some scientists fear will one day overtake human beings at Natural Stupidity.

Brain

A device that miraculously starts on its own every morning, and doesn’t stop until the moment the owner arrives at work. Ancient firmware running outdated software, slated for upgrading and eventual replacement (see Artificial Intelligence).

Bureaucracy

A gargantuan, Oz-like mechanism that some prefer to believe is ruled by a single hidden wizard rather than a bunch of officious Munchkins.

Commute

A time-consuming drive to a job you don’t like in a car you can’t afford to buy shit you don’t need to impress people you don’t know (adapted from Fight Club).

Cult of the Donkey

An American quasi-religious sports team formed of “Democrats,” who play a shirts-and-skins match against “Republicans” every few years, using the entire nation as a playing field (see Cult of the Elephant).

Cult of the Elephant

An American quasi-religious sports team formed of Republicans, who every few years play a shirts-and-skins match against Democrats (see Cult of the Donkey).

Gaia

Name of a Greek goddess cribbed by NASA atmospheric physicist James Lovelock to describe the self-regulating properties of Earth’s biosphere. In popular parlance it’s an updated term for Mother Nature. “Gaia” doesn’t show up in the vocabulary of plutocrats, oil barons or arms makers. But as they say, behind every great man there’s a woman rolling her eyes. And in this case, the lady’s got a hot temper and is able to burn more than dinner.

IMF

The International Monetary Fund, a financial lending institution that lends money to credit-strapped governments. Also an English quasi-abbreviation used worldwide by workers downsized after bank demands for domestic structural adjustments – “I’m fired.” (I’m not making this up.)

Instant Coffee

“A well–deserved punishment for being in a hurry to reach the future.” - Alan Watts

Magic Rectangles

Smart phones, tablets and computer monitors. The embryonic forms of our future robot overlords (see Social Distancing).

OIL

An initialism for Operation Iraq Liberation. According to journalist Greg Palast, this was the preliminary name for the US invasion of 2003, before White House operatives chose to be a little less obvious in their snark. It was switched at the last minute to Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Organized Religion

A successful cult with good PR.

Rock Music

A form of music once associated with youth, expressing high-spirited energy and defiant resistance. Artifacts in the form of “sound files” continued to be played on digital devices and boomer radio, though today original content is rarely made and even less rarely performed (see Social Distancing).

Science Fiction

A genre of speculative fiction that typically deals with imaginative and futuristic concepts such as advanced science and technology, space exploration, time travel, parallel universes, dystopic civilizations, and extraterrestrial beings. Also, the predominant way of life since 2020.

Social Distancing

Data is the new oil, and social distancing is a convenient means to get humans even more comfortable with solitary pursuits on their magic rectangles, with massive data harvesting taking place under the aegis of a global health emergency.

Southern Californish

A slow dialect of American English, in which the transitive verb “to bomb” has negative connotations in the area’s comedy clubs and movie studios, but positive connotations among the state’s defense contractors.

UFOs

Intialism for Unidentified Flaming Objections. Anonymous troll comments found in most social media feeds.

Voicemail Hell

“Welcome to Hell. If your message is about the Underworld’s boiling lava or poisonous snakes, press one. If you are interested in hot yoga, press two. If you would like to speak to one of the Archfiend’s minions, and you know the extension, press the appropriate code. If you would like beg God for a transfer upstairs, please hold for all eternity.”

Yoga

1) An ancient mind/body discipline in which physical poses are only one aspect.

2) A modern fashion-related discipline in which posers are the main aspect.

Zoom

A cloud-based peer-to-peer software platform used for teleconferencing, telecommuting, distance education, and social relations. Also the primary means of human connection in Hell.