Last Surviving CISgender Straight White Male Discovered in Tree
A special report from The Olson Journal of Heavy-handed Humour
Dateline - Vancouver, July 13, 2066
Reported sightings of a CISgender white male went from urban folkore to reality this week, with the capture of a hairy biped near a park in Vancouver. The creature was discovered in a tree by Betas erecting a statue commemorating Empress Greta Thunberg.
After being flushed from its leafy retreat, the hooting hominid ran out to a residential street, where it was tranquilized by animal control officers. The creature reportedly had a den hidden in the park, complete with a power generator and an ancient LCD monitor. There was also a working disc player to play the hominid’s hurtful, unacceptable media.
"We discovered archaic digital disc copies of the video series ‘The Civil War,’ a 20th century glorification of a triggering, 19th century patriarchal struggle,” said one officer. “Also, there was extensive library of videos documenting weird pre-postgender mating behaviour.”
The creature was immediately transferred to the Gates Centre for Genetic Anomalies (GCGA), where there was initial confusion whether it was man, monkey or monkey-man. “We now know we have possession of an English-speaking human in it’s mid-thirties. It doesn’t respond to they, ze, zer or any other traditional pronoun. However, when we use the archaic word ‘he’ in staff conversations the creature perks up. It’s rather quaint, actually,” said Dr. Terry Ratchet, transhuman director of the GCGA.
However, certain other keywords - flouncy, decoupage, wisteria, taupe, bodice, bespoke and peony - sparked no recognition in the man, they added, speaking from zer digital castle in the Zuckerverse.
“We intend to put the creature through a further battery of tests to determine this is an actual CISgender straight white male and not some sort of hoax,” Ratchet said. “We’re going to start feet first. For example, will ‘he’ successfully fail to roll a pair of socks into a ball? And will ‘he’ respond poorly to the offer of a pedicure?”
They added that their staff hope to determine if the creature is not just fully heterosexual, but thrillingly worse, heteronormative.
The dustbin of history
A bit of background for younger readers. CISgender straight white males once roamed freely across the North American landscape, objectifying their gender opposites and leaving up toilet seats. Incredibly, these testosterone-poisoned pink patriarchs were once the primary rulers of Earth - much like their pea-brained predecessors, the dinosaurs.
By becoming conscious of grooming, hair and fashion, and embracing the sacred feminine, a large fraction of CISgender straight white males of the early 21st century became honourary females. The experiment was a failure, however - they turned out to be poor shoppers even when matching their university-educated partners in income. It was possible to send a man to the moon, but not the mall.
In the same era, the most powerful CISgender straight white male on Earth proved to be so jaw-droppingly ignorant, repulsive and dangerous that many scientists felt ‘his’ line should be permanently discontinued (the creature was actually orange rather than white). Luckily, with the election of US president Chelsea Clinton in 2024, along with a range of globally elected female leaders, many of the sins of the past were undone. War was abolished once patriarchy was dismantled and testosterone made a Schedule 1 drug. International conflicts were settled by ritualized mass pillow fights synchronized to lunar cycles.
Yet longstanding problems of discrimination on the basis of gender and race remained. Surgeon General Anthony Fauci to the rescue! With ‘gain of function’ research into the human genome approved by the National Institute of Health in 2026, the next generation of beautiful factory-farmed children were all of physically ambiguous sexuality and race. Each was an nth-sided snowflake and unique diversity hire, free to self-identify as anything they desired: male, female, genderqueer, genderfluid, trans or transhumanized (and of course in The Zuckerverse they could self-identify as anything from Hispanic giraffes to aboriginal attack helicopters). Betas like you, in other words!
Discrimination, along with phallologocentricism and second-wave feminism, became literally inconceivable. (This is not to suggest that sex was ever genetic or anatomical. It was, as we all know, a social construct. )
Flouting The Science™, a number of contrarian scholars continue to insist that CISgender straight white males once played an important role in the biosphere, even past traditional uses inspired by salmon. “They enjoyed watching and playing outdoor sports, and golf courses were once rich preserves for herbicide-mutated grasses,” said GCGA archivist Dudley Witherspoon, holding up a fossil ‘golf ball.’ “With the disappearance of such ancient forms of men, we saw the disappearance of these grasslands as well.”
Decades ago, technological progress ameliorated gender differences, not only with the blurring and erosion of biological sex, but through the disgendering of the brain through nanotechnology. Yet it’s almost as if the “man in the tree” hails from another era, said Witherspoon.
Looking for answers
So where did the archaic creature originate from? “We’ve learned ‘his’ name is Dirk but we don’t know much more than that,” said Dr. Ratchet. “The man is more of a grunter than a talker, but we’ve learned ‘he’ feels ‘he’ doesn’t belong in this place and time. You might even call ‘him’ a man without God.”
“I don’t have to eat food myself - I abandoned old-school meatspace long ago by renting out my body and uploading my consciousness to The Zuckerverse - but when I heard ‘he’ turned down a Thunburger™ with Soylent Green® for breakfast this morning, that’s when I knew ‘he’ was depressed!”
They added this cannot simply be a case of a feral child raised by an undiscovered tribe of golfers. “Frankly, we’re stumped. And as incredible as it may seem, we haven’t ruled out the possibility of time travel.”
(The creature has reportedly tested negative for COVID-19 through COVID-42, and appears to be also negative for all the variants, ranging from the Greek alphabet to hurricane names to the periodic table of elements - with the exception of molybdenum.)
Dr. Ratchet, for their part, indicated a tentative plan to study the man’s behaviour by constructing an archaic environment laced with fast food snacks and an ancient multimedia system: a pre-Anthropocene “man-cave.”
“Prior to the introduction of laboratory wombs, our ancestors apparently used to do this weird, tab A into slot B sort of thing for reproduction. It was coercion by definition, and a great many females suffered needlessly. And although it’s risky, we want to test the man for full heterosexuality by introducing his gender opposite into the “man-cave.” Specifically, a hominid female on loan from the Yerkes Primate Centre.”
“We hope to answer a few basic questions. If you prick a man, does he bleed? If you wrong him, does he seek revenge? If you take his fossil television remote, does he go into a testosterone-fueled meltdown?”
Ratchet hopes to have the molybdenum-infected male on display in a plexiglass-enclosed “man-cave” sometime by early next year, perhaps with a mate. “This is a real coup for science. We’re sure we have possession of the only white heterosexual CISgender male in Bezos Solar Quadrant 1. And we believe the public at large shouldn't be deprived of this historic discovery. ‘He’ will be in leg irons and partial-body face mask, and vaccinated up the ying-yang, so it will be completely safe.”
Bwahaha, more excellent sardonic wit, just the sort of humour I can relate to.
hahahahahahaha!!