Oh no’s! The WHO is set to rename monkeypox! While it’s still hot out of the oven!
Side note: in March 2021 “The Nuclear Threat Initiative” ran a tabletop exercise - a wargame, in effect - in which an engineered version of monkeypox was released in May of 2022. The first real-world cases erupted globally in May of 2022.
Say what?
This prophetic intersection of dates may have surprised even some ‘coincidence theorists’ out there, but never mind, nothing to see here folks.
On to the pending name change….
Jezus, Ghebreyesus, you’re going to give us all whiplash! We’ve only just pivoted from the fading mass terror of COVID-19 and its variants to monkeypox. Don’t be changing a globally-recognized noun mid-scream. Yes, I get that we’re on a roller coaster of regulatory capture and public-pirate partnerships. And yes, I get that we don’t want to stigmatize any capuchins and howler monkeys out there. But that’s not how branding works, bub.
‘Monkeypox’ rolls off the tongue and is fun to say.
Try it with me, Ghebby:
Monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox monkeypox.
See?
Sigh. It’s not like I’m about to convince you, as you’re likely not even a Geoff Olson 2.0 subscriber to begin with, Ghebby. So how about this: if you’re committed to a name change, I will leave it to my millions of readers to petition the WHO with the following suggestions. I believe most of these fall in that marketing sweet spot between mildly terrifying and woke as fuck.
(And no, I’m not going to offer the cheap and obvious ‘moneypox,’ as that implies profit-mad organ grinders are making monkeys out of us.)
1. Mysterypox
2. Poxy McPoxface
3. Or with genital lesions in mind…
4. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lab Leak
5. Pox du Jour
6. MikeNesmythpox (a nod to The Monkees)
7. Malarkeypox
8. Nincumpox
9. Or how about…
10. And my favourite suggestion, in honour of famed depressive Norwegian painter Edvard Munch:
I scream, you scream, we all scream for vaccines (not)!
Whaddya say, Ghebby?
Brilliant! How about Foxy pox
Only 8 likes and 3 commens?? (Well...now 4!) This should have gone viral! Pun intended, obviously!