K. Kringle/Santa’s Workshop/The North Pole
Dear Mr. Kringle,
NATO has alerted its western partners of your intention to fly across the world distributing gifts on the evening of Dec. 24, including Russian airspace. Here at ACFLWG we have multiple concerns.
Carbon emissions. Given the scale of your seasonal gift-giving, your reindeer emissions likely present a significant climate threat. Please consider giving extra presents to Ukrainian children as a form of carbon offset.
“Naughty” and “nice.” We are disturbed by this binary identification, and the developmental threat to children from withholding presents on a judgemental, hurtful basis. Please leave such value-laden list-making to our valued partners at the NSA.
COVID and its variants. Have you and your elves been recently tested for Omicron, Deltacron, and Ba1.12 through Ba2.75? Please confirm you are up to date with your vaccinations and that you will be outfitted in a properly-fitted N95 mask during your festive home invasions.
Your appearance. In the interests of progressive change, please consider softening your white CIS male holiday look by adopting a more inclusive, rainbow coloured, child-friendly, drag queen story time appearance.
Workplace concerns. We understand you continue to reject Toy Shop job applications from the vertically diverse, and that you are making little to no effort introducing diversity and equity into your elf-dominated workplace. Please do better.
Fears of Terrorism. Be advised that whatever your motivations, many homeowners remain understandably unnerved by the prospect of a heavily bearded male vectoring a fast-moving aerial vessel toward their rooftops. It's triggering for many.
Please respond within the next two business on the steps you will take or have taken to address the above concerns.
Happy Kwanzaa,
Petunia Grundy
Chairperson,
Association for Compassion Fascism and Liberal White Guilt (ACFLWG)
Also, from my favourite cartoonist…
*CRINGE ALERT!*
And finally, from the Satire Is Now Impossible folder…click on the holiday horror below…