The World Economic Forum announced today that the organization’s co-founder and leader, 115-year old Klaus Schwab, will be replaced by early October with a robot-human hybrid.
Israeli author and WEF advisor Yuval Noah Harari told a scrum of reporters outside the organization’s headquarters that bioengineers in a lab near Davos already have a functioning prototype resembling the leader called an “Advanced Neuro-Algorithmic Lifeform.”
Say hello to ANAL Schwab.
The Bill Gates-funded, DARPA-engineered cyborg will have neural uplinks to all digital information on the Internet, both classified and unclassified, whether behind firewalls or password protection (though there may be problems accessing computers running Windows).
The human-robot composite has flesh grown from Schwab’s own stem cells, built around a titanium-unobtanium skeletal frame.
There will be no risk of myocarditis or any age-related cardiovascular issues, as ANAL Schwab will have a heart of gold. Other metallic features noted in a press release handed out by Harari include “nerves of steel, a silver tongue, an iron-cast stomach, brass balls and buns of steel.”
“Oh, and ANAL Schwab will be able to shoot lasers out of his eyes,” Harari told reporters. “I petitioned for that personally and got it. Besides making rhim* invulnerable to surprise attack, I think it will be terrific for Davos after-party raves,” the author said with a broad grin.
*Rhe, rhiz, rhim, rher and rhers are the personal pronouns for robot-human hybrids, which are non-binary by definition.
“We’re keeping the chrome dome and Bond villain accent, of course. In fact, ANAL Schwab will be pretty much indistinguishable from Klaus at his present stage, but without the prospect of unstoppable decline from the biological travesty of aging. For the sake of realism, we’ve liberally splattered our robot-human hybrid with liver spots,” said the Israeli author delightedly.
In fact, ANAL Schwab will be self-repairing and self-upgrading, notes toothy New Zealand Prime Monster and WEF Young Global Leaders graduate Jacinda Ardern, in an exclusive phone interview with Geoff Olson 2.0.
“It’s like every few months ANAL Schwab will be giving birth to a new self. We expect by 2030 rhe will have Godlike knowledge and powers, infinitely superior to the useless meatsacks putzing away online in their pyjamas and tinfoil hats during the umpteenth lockdown. Actually, they won’t have digital devices of their own by then - they’ll own nothing and be happy,” the dentally well-endowed Kiwi added with a whinny. “Now I really must hang up; I have to get my teeth cleaned and you’re a person of no consequence to me.”
This human-to-android transition not an entirely unexpected development for long-term WEF-watchers. Klaus Schwab has ironically said his beloved “fourth industrial revolution” will not “change what you are doing. It changes you…”
As for Israeli author and Schwab adviser Harari, his enthusiasm for a transhumanist end game is well-documented. “We humans should get used to the idea that we are no longer mysterious souls. We are now hackable animals,” he proclaimed in a recent interview. It’s hard to disagree; the pending introduction of ANAL Schwab is stirring testament to the technocratic ability to build on the natural and bury it with the artificial.
When the scrum of reporters asked the WEF house pet intellectual about an Internet conspiracy theory that Klaus Schwab is actually already a robot, he laughed.
“I know I know, there’s the flat expression, the wooden delivery… even the crazy supervillain garb that any sane human would balk at. I get it. But these are all pre-existing features of Karl that coincidentally and conveniently made it easier for bioengineers to replicate him in robot-human form. Nothing more than that. The idea that he’s always been a soulless automaton and we’re just revealing it now to the public with some sort of cockamamie cover story…well, besides being nonsense, that’s just not how the WEF rolls.”
But could not the Israeli author himself be replaced one day with a human-robot hybrid? Could the elitist agenda backfire personally, with say, a “Harari Analytic Robotic Simulated Entity” (Harari ARSE)?
Harari paused and thought, rubbing his hands in the chill Davos air. “Look, I’m a globally-renowned author. My stuff isn’t like The Great Reset…with all due respect to Klaus, that book might as well have come from a factory floor robot programmed to scribble in the margins of an old Isaac Asimov novel with a busted Bic pen. In contrast, I have a gift for a nice turn of phrase and trenchant insight that is extraordinarily difficult for deep learning networks to replicate. My book Homo Deus has just been optioned for a Nick Cage film. I think it will be a very long time before I become obsolete.
“But yes, in general our corporate partners, captured politicians and young global leaders are speeding the elimination of wet, unpredictable, carbon-emitting, disgustingly sentimental beings who refuse to eat bugs, in favour of robotic superheroes right out of Marvel Comics. In any case this isn’t about me, it’s about Klaus and his successor. This is their moment.”
Harari added that the transition for the flesh-based leader to semi-voluntary retirement in a high security Swiss twilight home for the permanently perplexed will be “as smooth as the liquid metal Terminator of the James Cameron film franchise, which I absolutely love.“
“The arc of Klaus’ life has crossed from horsedrawn buggies to his own replication, with an amazing resumé in between. He was a man ahead of his time, and now he now he’ll get to see it all play out in monogrammed slippers while sipping a soothing cocktail of smart drugs. All in complete safety and concealment from ANAL Schwab.”
At press time, attempts to reach Klaus Schwab himself for comment have been unsuccessful.
Hey Geoff,
worth a try, see if you can get a rise out of the we-know-best crowd...
This is all very well and I support this modification in principle, but can the ANAL Schwab be made to shit out it’s mouth while sucking fake food through its arse? ….Oh yeah, that wouldn’t be all too different from the prototype I guess